Some Honesty Before the Beauty

 It's been almost three weeks since I returned from Uganda. What we experienced there was amazing. Breathtaking. Overwhelming. Several people have asked when I'd be posting again, and I completely understand wanting to hear all about the trip and the people and what God did, but honestly, I've had trouble trying to find where to even start.

How do I convey 2-weeks worth of beautiful Uganda filled with beautiful people filled with beautiful hearts? How do I express to you, the reader, through mere words the heart-wrenching stories, the hurt-filled eyes, and the juxtaposed joyful smiles of the Acholi people? How can I explain the importance of overseas missions? How do I even begin to tell you that there is more to life than our comfortable America dream filled with convenience, luxury, and security?


Honestly, I don't think I can.

For the past three weeks I've thought about where to start, where to begin, how to tell you all about Uganda and make it seem as though you're really there. I've wondered how to illustrate my experiences in words. I've thought about which stories to tell and what order to tell them in, what to include and what to leave out. And honestly, after three weeks, I still don't know.

So I'm just going to start. I'm going to start with the stories and the pictures and the Scripture and whatever else needs to be included. I can't promise that it will be eloquent or organized or put into beautiful paragraphs and perfect grammar. But I promise that it will be honest. It will be real. All of the good and all of the not-so-good. Whatever my heart is feeling, I will- to the best of my ability and however God chooses- tell you.

So, to begin, I'm going to be straight-forward with you. Uganda was not everything I expected it to be. It was so much more, in both good ways and bad ways. More joy, more beauty, more magnificence, more Jesus. More heartache, more loss, more poverty, more need. More adventure, more sadness, more exuberance, and more pain. Where there was happiness, there was also sorrow. Where there was hurt, there was also joy. While it was wonderful, it was also hard- in personal ways that I was not expecting. I was expecting to fall in love with this place and never want to leave. I expected to go and not experience any trials or conflicting thoughts (or at least not care about them). I was expecting to be so over-joyed that nothing else mattered. What I didn't expect was to be bombarded with discouragement, attacked with my own downfalls and lack of strength, and left wondering if I even have a purpose. I didn't expect to miss home. I want to be clear here- these thoughts were not caused by other people on my team. I believe they were thoughts from the devil, who wants me to feel discouraged and not good enough. I believe this was a small spiritual battle taking place in my heart.

About halfway through our stay in Uganda, I began to have these feelings. I would sit there and wonder: Can I really do this? Is God really calling me to full-time overseas missions? I'm not strong enough to do this. How can I be so far away from my family? I don't have what it takes. I'm too much of a princess to live like this. I'm not good enough. And what if I'm not supposed to go into full-time overseas missions? Do I even have a purpose?

Thoughts like this made their way into my heart, and honestly, like I said, it was hard.

But God has placed wonderful people in my life who reminded me of His truths: I have a purpose. And in actuality, I'm not strong enough. God won't make me "strong enough" because if I was strong enough, I WOULDN'T NEED HIM. God made me vulnerable and week and imperfect because I need to rely only on Him to accomplish His work through me. If it's a walk in the park and the easiest thing I've ever done- if I don't need to lean on Him to get me through even just a small part of it- is it really His will? I'm not strong enough... but He is.

Maybe full-time overseas mission isn't what He has planned for me. Maybe it's just part-time. Maybe it's just occasional trips. Maybe it's just not Uganda. But I know He has called me. I don't know where or when or what, but I KNOW He has called me. He has created me. He has formed me. He has a plan for me. He has designed me to do something amazing for His glory. He is molding me and shaping me to be everything He has created me to be.

I wanted to tell you these struggles that I faced in Uganda, because I don't want you to think it was easy. When you read my future posts, I don't want you to think I'm super strong or brave or anything like that. I want you to know that it wasn't all effortless and painless. I want you to know that I'm not perfect.

Now that I've dumped out all the bad, I can get to all the good. Now that I've gotten the "ugly" out, I can tell you all about beautiful Uganda. I'm excited to tell you the amazing things God did through us in Uganda and share stories and pictures of this breathtaking place. Some of the stories I may be crying as I write, and some of them may leave me with a smile spread across my face. And all of it is beautiful. Through everything that happened on our trip- from lizards and bugs in our rooms, to salvation for hurting people- God had a plan and I'm so excited to tell you all about it.

Thank you for reading my "honest" post. Check back later for the overwhelming stories that will follow.

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 

which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Ephesians 2:10